Notes/Warnings: This fic contains some dark humor as well as cheap humor. It pretty much wrote itself, being a musical. The original lyrics can be found here.


Rocky Horror Tennis Show
by Cheeseburger of Doom


Part 1

A tall and rather heavily muscled man walks into his office, shuffles through some papers that litter the desk, and from underneath produces a black leather-bound scrapbook. He blows the dust from it and opens to the first page. He introduces himself as a criminologist, and explains that he wishes to tell you a story that will both thrill you and chill you. He tells you all of this through a series of hand motions, almost like charades. He pulls something out of a drawer; it turns out to be a tube of cherry red lipstick. He applies them to his lips, some music plays, and just as you think he is about to sing some kind of an opening song, his lips part, and he mutters breathily: "Usu." He motions you to come closer and read over his shoulder, and a science fiction double feature plays out before you…

*

Shishido loved weddings, though he was loathe to admit it. This wedding was particularly special, not because it was his wedding, but because Ohtori was also one of the guests. Ohtori was the best thing since deodorant. He was so kind and caring and loving and special that Shishido could barely contain himself. He wanted to get married and he wanted Ohtori to have his babies, even though that was anatomically impossible, and he wanted to walk into the sunset with him and live happily ever after.

Of course, he found it rather difficult to tell Ohtori all of this, because he suffered from something that he liked to think of as macho pride, but was really closer to chronic shyness.

He also suffered from a condition which caused him to blush very easily. Especially when he found himself with arms full of the bride's bouquet, and at the receiving end of various angry stares from the women who had expected to catch it. They all waved goodbye to the bride and groom, and the church started to clear out. Shishido wandered about the property for a bit, and watched as the next ceremony was set up.

Ohtori came to him amongst the hasty preparations of the funeral that was about to happen. He took both of Shishido's hands in his while they stood in the middle of the cemetery, surrounded by a bunch of dead guys who were probably thoroughly annoyed by this display of sappiness. Shishido looked into his beloved Choutarou's eyes, behind those thick dorky glasses, and wondered if Choutarou liked him in the purple dress that he was wearing.

"Shishido-san…There's something I want to say." Apparently Ohtori had the same condition involving blushing easily.

"Yes?" Shishido's heart pounded. He had a feeling that good things were about to happen. Ohtori was going to propose or he was going to get some; either would be fine.

"I really loved the skillful way…that you beat those girls to the bride's bouquet."

"Aw, I really didn't mean to," Shishido said, trying to hide his own blush. He buried his face in the bouquet of flowers, which was a mistake, because as soon as he did so he remembered that he was allergic to them and broke out in a painful rash. He didn't allow that to ruin the moment, though. Ohtori swung him around and broke into a cheerful tune.

"The river was long and I swam it! I didn't like the food at the reception, but I crammed it! This day couldn't have worked out better if I'd planned it! Damn it, I wish your named was Janet so this song would rhyme!"

Ohtori and Shishido pranced amongst the gravestones. Shishido felt so alive and happy. He paid no attention to the drab figures on the stone steps giving them very angry looks. He didn't have to ignore them for much longer because when Ohtori jumped up on the steps to continue his song he knocked both of them off of it.

"The road was long but I ran it! There's a fire in my heart, but I haven't got any pepto bismol! If there's one fool for you, then I am it. Damn it, I think I just stubbed my toe!"

Ohtori got down on one knee and took something out of his plaid suit pocket.

"Here's the ring to prove that I'm no joker…Baby, when we get home, let's play strip poker. I used to have a china doll but I broke her…Damn it, Shishido-san, I think you're swell!"

Shishido couldn't help but squeal at the huge diamond Ohtori put on his finger. He grabbed Ohtori's hand and they skipped into the church and up the aisle, ignoring those who were in mourning for their lost friend. Shishido gave the corpse a little wave. He felt a song of his own bubbling up from somewhere near his left big toe.

"Oh, from this ring I can see that you mean it! Choutarou, I love you, and I know that you've seen it! I'm so happy I could eat a whole peanut! I've got one thing to say and that's Choutarou, I want your ass."

"Oh Shishido-san, anytime."

"Aw, damn it," Shishido said happily. "I love you!"

"And I definitely love you too!" Ohtori paused for a moment. "So you know what this means. There's only one thing we should do!"

"What, you mean go back to the car and screw?"

"No!" Ohtori flung his arms wide and cried to the heavens.

"We should see the man who introduced us! Even though he tried to seduce us. When we hid together in his closet and felt robust. Shishido-san, I love you!"

"And Choutarou, I love you too!"

*

"Why does it always rain when we go driving together?" Ohtori complained as he tried to peer through the sheets of rain that were beating down on the windshield. They had been driving for two hours already, and he wasn't even sure if they were going in the right direction because visibility was so poor.

"Maybe we should have waited until tomorrow to go and see him," Shishido fretted. He didn't want to get in an accident and die before his wedding. That would have sucked.

Suddenly the car hit something. Ohtori screeched on the brakes, but it was too late for whatever animal they'd hit. He and Shishido put newspapers over their heads and got out of the car to stand and mourn for it for a little while. Ohtori discovered that the tire had busted, and he didn't have a spare because he'd needed to make extra room for all his scuba gear. He couldn't remember why he'd decided to bring scuba gear, but that was beside the point.

"Well, isn't this fantastic," Shishido growled.

"Don't be mad, Shishido-san. I saw a castle a couple of miles back, I'm sure they have a phone we could use." Ohtori put his arm around Shishido and Shishido couldn't stay angry while being cuddled. They walked back towards the castle, and were quite pleased to find that there were a couple of lights on in some of the rooms. Shishido and Ohtori exchanged relieved glances.

"There's a light, burning at the Frankenstein place."

"In that light, I think I can see a creepy face."

"Don't be so paranoid, Shishido-san," Ohtori said, patting Shishido's hand. Shishido grumbled a little.

"There's a light, but it looks electrical rather than a fireplace."

"Good observation, Choutarou. There's a light in the darkness of this dismal goddamned rain."

As the features of the castle became clearer, Shishido began to feel a little uneasy. There were vines creeping up the sides, the walls hardly looked safe at all, there was a creepy figure standing and looking out of one of the windows, there were bars over most of the other windows, the whole thing was surrounded by a moat in which there were several crocodiles, and there was a sign on the rickety fence that read "Don't come in here if you don't want to be corrupted by a man in fishnet stockings and a corset".

Shishido didn't actually notice any of those things. He was worried because he didn't like the tune of the doorbell. It reminded him too much of the Spice Girls. That was always a bad sign.

A hunchbacked man with a sour expression on his face and a mushroom cut on his head answered the door. He was clad in black, and was very butler-like in appearance. The type of butler that committed all the murders. He peered out at him with his beady little eyes, and waited for them to speak.

"Um, could we maybe use your phone?" Ohtori asked nervously. "We've got a flat tire a couple of miles down the road."

The butler looked back and forth between Shishido and Ohtori for a few moments. The couple began to sweat profusely. Shishido regretted coming here. Ohtori hoped the butler would allow them to use the phone. Shishido realized that he really had to pee.

"You're wet," said the butler.

"No shit," Shishido grumbled. "It's raining."

"Shishido-san, don't be rude," Ohtori hissed.

"You'd better both come in," said the butler. He shooed them inside. Echoes of screams could be heard, and Shishido couldn't tell if they were screams of laughter or pain. Either way, his bad feeling was increasing. The butler led them into a lobby. It was richly furnished, but the one decoration that really stood out was the coffin that was placed quite randomly at the end of it, just before the hallway.

"I don't like this place," Shishido whispered to Ohtori.

"We don't have much of a choice," Ohtori whispered back.

"Yee haw!"

The couple looked up and saw a man clad in a main uniform sliding down the banister of the stairs.

"I've told you before not to do that, Taki," the butler grumbled.

"Oh, come off it."

"Hmph."

"So can we use your phone?" Ohtori asked, waving his hand a little to try and catch the butler's attention. The butler's eyebrows knit together, and his frown deepened.

"I remember when I could still dance," he said. "I remember that we would stay up until all hours and I would wow everyone with my ability, and my white disco suit with the sequins."

"You were hot," said Taki.

"I know. I miss those days."

"Your phone?" Ohtori asked hopefully.

The butler snapped his fingers, and the music played. "It's astounding," he said. "Time is fleeting. Madness takes its toll. But listen closely --"

"Or he'll never forgive you," Taki whispered to the couple.

"I've got to keep control."

"I remember, doing the Gekokujyou!" Hiyoshi sang at the top of his lungs. "Drinking excessive booze. My head would go spinning, and my poker hand would be winning, and then I'd take a bit of a snooze."

Hiyoshi danced into the next room and the couple followed, because they didn't have much of a choice. They didn't know where the phone was, and they couldn't very well go poking around in a house that wasn't theirs, especially one like this that might be full of booby traps. There were a bunch of people in tennis skirts playing tennis in the room. It had to be uncomfortable since they were also wearing heels, but Shishido didn't really want to think about it. He was feeling a little faint about the style of their dance.

"Let's do the Gekokujyo again!" they sang. "Let's do the Gekokujyou again!"

*

Kabaji points to a diagram in the scrapbook. "Usu," he says.

*

"You've got to tie your shoes up tight!"

*

"Usu."

*

"And punch the guy to the right! But it's the pelvic bone, that really hurts when it breaks! So let's do the Gekokujyou again! Let's do the Gekokujyou again."

Taki was apparently caught up in the moment. He wrapped himself around a conveniently placed pole and showed the world his panties.

"It's so dreamy, and deliciously creamy. I just love lemon yogurt, when I eat it on toast. In another dimension, with voyeuristic intentions, I bet that yogurt would taste even better, eaten off of a ghost."

The butler snickered. "With a bit of a mind flip, you can start to feel your nose drip, and nothing can ever be the same."

Taki took the butler by the hands and started to polka with him. "If you wait at the train station --"

"Like you're under sedation!" the butler cried.

"Let's do the Gekokujyou again! Let's do the Gekokujyou again!"

The butler and his maid danced past a man who had jumped onto a platform. He was wearing sparkling rainbow shorts, a gold jacket, and a very brilliant top hat. He was sleeping quite happily until they passed, at which point he jumped up and began to tap dance.

"Well I was sleeping on the curb, just having a nap, when a snake of a guy thought I'd put up with his crap, he shook-a me up, he took me by surprise; he had a pickup truck and thunder thighs. He stared at me and I felt a change; I kicked him in the balls and he didn't bother me again."

*

"Usu."

*

"You've got to tie your shoes up tight!"

*

"Usu!" Kabaji is dancing now.

*

"And punch the guy on your right! But it's the pelvic bone, that really hurts when it breaks. Let's do the Gekokujyou again! Let's do the Gekokujyou again!"

The entire roomful of tennis players collapsed to the floor. Shishdio and Ohtori began to inch backwards a little.

"Choutarou, this place is freaky," Shishido said out of the side of his mouth.

"Don't worry, Shishido-san. They're just playing tennis."

"This isn't exactly Junior Senbatsu here!" Shishido exclaimed.

"They're probably just foreigners with ways different than our own, kind of like that weird American team."

"Look, I'm cold and wet, I have a major wedgie, and this place sucks! I want to go home!" Shishido turned and was about to storm away when he realized that there was an elevator in his way, and there was a tall man in a cloak standing in it. He reminded Shishido so much of a pedophile that he knew that he let out a very frightened yelp.

"How d'you do I, see you've met my, faithful handyman," the man said, indicating his butler. "He's just a little brought down because, when you knocked, he thought you were the strippers he'd ordered."

He fluffed his hair, straightened his glasses, and smiled with his bright red lips. He strutted down into the tennis room and walked up onto the platform which had a banner strung across it that Shishido hadn't noticed before.

"Don't get strung out, by the way I look. Don't judge a book by its cover. I'm not much of a tensai, by the light of day, but by night I'm one hell of a lover!"

With one grand sweep of his arm, the cloak billowed out behind him, to reveal a sparkling corset, tiny black panties, fishnet stockings, and giant sparkly stiletto heels. He wiggled his hips and smirked.

"I'm just a sweet transvestite, from Transexual Hyoutei!" He sauntered back to Shishido and Ohtori, and tickled Shishido under the chin.

"Let me show you around, and maybe play the sound, of my album which is really quite sexy. Or if you want something visual that's not to abysmal, I've got a collection that's happily smexy."

The transvestite helped himself to a glass of water from the dispenser. Ohtori approached him a little nervously.

"Um, I'm glad that you're home, but can we use your phone? Our car's back there in the rain. We'll just cry for help, and then after we yelp, we'll run out before you can cause us any pain."

The transvestite laughed. "So, you got caught with a flat? Well, how 'bout that. Well sweethearts, don't you worry. By the light of the night, it'll all seem all right, I'll give you beds that don't contain anything furry."

The transvestite sat himself down on a throne of sorts on the platform, and smirked out at everyone in the room. Shishido thought for some reason that his eyes were particularly on him, but that was a little creepy so he dismissed the idea.

"You know, I'm just a sweet transvestite! From Transexual, Hyoutei. Why don't you stay for the night? Or maybe a bite? I'll show you my newest creation. I've been making a man, with red hair and flexibility like an elastic band -- he's good at cooking and masturbation."

"I'm just a sweet transvestite! From Transexual, Hyoutei." He sauntered back to the elevator and got into it.

"So come up to the lab, and see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with…LUST. (or is it UST?) Your car won't rust, so with a little bit of trust -- I can remove the cause, but not -- the symptom!"

The elevator ascended, and Shishido and Ohtori stared at each other helplessly. The butler and Taki rushed over to them and began to strip them down. Shishido spluttered in protest as his matching bra and panties set was revealed.

"Just go with it, Shishido-san," Ohtori said. "I don't want to cause any trouble."

"That's easy for you to say! At least you're wearing men's underwear!"

"It's not often that Oshitari invites people up to the lab," said the guy in the top hat, yawning hugely. "Some people would give up their newts to see it."

"People like you?"

"Hah! I've been up there. Lots of times," he said. "and…" He couldn't finish, because he had fallen asleep on his feet. The butler carried him to the elevator, and Shishido and Ohtori followed, sensing once again that they had no choice in the matter.




End of Part 1

On to Part 2

Back to Ohtori/Shishido Fanfiction Index (Authors A — K)