*WARNING* I wanted to go more into Ohtori's religious-ness, because I like angst and it's perfect. I am not an expert on religion, in fact I know very little about it, but I am going to bet that Ohtori's religion is not exactly open to homosexuals. There might be some controversial bits in here, but any offence is unintentional! I'm not badmouthing anyone's religion, I'm just expressing my opinion. (Well, Shishido's opinion actually.)
All that being said, please enjoy!
To Be With You
by Cheeseburger of Doom
He could almost hear the sound of his heart breaking into pieces. Certainly he could feel it; a real physical pain.
He had been longing for this moment for so long, but it was also something he'd dreaded. Worse than the fear of rejection was the fear that his true desire might feel the same way about him -- and then what would they do?
It was wrong. It was wrong, it was wrong, it was wrong -- he knew that, he'd been told so many times, and he'd seen the disgusted looks on people's faces...He knew his religion as well as anyone, and he was a good boy; he always followed the rules.
Even when the rules tore at his heart.
"I'm sorry, Shishido-san. We can't," he whispered. He'd just been kissed by the boy he'd been dreaming of for almost two years now. The most important person in his life...And of course he loved him, but he couldn't love him, because it was wrong.
What would his parents think? What would the world think? What would God think? Was God already angry with him for thinking the way he had been for the past two years?
Ohtori Choutarou did not want to go to Hell.
"I get it." Shishido turned his back on Ohtori. "It's okay if you don't feel the same. Let's just be friends, then. I'm sorry I kissed you."
He started to walk away.
Ohtori wanted to make him stay. He wanted so much to be able to say, "I love you", but he couldn't, he couldn't.
"It's not that I..." He was speaking before he could stop himself. Shishido didn't stop. He'd just been rejected; he was probably feeling like a fool.
It was Ohtori's fault, and his heart was broken.
"It's not that I don't return those feelings, it's just that...I can't," he whispered. He felt tears welling up in his eyes.
Ohtori knew he couldn't go home. Home had become his dorm room with Shishido; he'd just moved in there at the beginning of the school year. It had only been a few months since then. It had been so good to be reunited again after not seeing each other for an entire year...A year in which Ohtori had realized that he was a sinner.
He dreamed of Shishido-san every night. Sometimes, they were dirty dreams. Dirty dreams were bad enough in themselves -- but about another guy...
He'd tried to push the feelings away. He really had. Then he'd met up with Shishido again, and...
And it was great to be around him, and he'd been so happy when Shishido had kissed him...Shishido wasn't the wordy type, so that kiss had been a confession, and Ohtori's heart had just soared, but...
Then it had broken.
"I just can't!"
"Whenever you come home to visit, you spend a lot of time talking about that friend of yours," Ohtori's father said. There was a small frown on his face.
"Well...he's my best friend, after all."
"It seems almost unnatural, the way your face lights up when you mention his name. I'm worried about you, Choutarou. I raised you better than that."
Ohtori blinked a few times. Did his father think that...? Well, even if he was, did that count as a sign of bad upbringing...?
He knew he shouldn't question things like that, but sometimes, he had to wonder. Why were his parents, especially his father, so against that kind of thing?
Because it's a sin...
The answer was too painful.
"There's nothing going on," Ohtori said. He fought off the urge to blush. His father would never believe him if he blushed, but...Even the thought of he and Shishido-san...
"I don't think you should spend so much time around him."
"Father! What are you talking about? He's my best friend!"
"Well, if I ever find out that --"
"I've never given you trouble before, have I? Don't worry about me," Ohtori said.
The frown still hadn't left his father's face, but he dropped the issue. Ohtori was very careful never to mention Shishido after that.
That particular memory made Ohtori miserable. It was the first time he'd realized just how much of a problem his family had with...that kind of thing, and how much of a problem he was expected to have with it.
The truth was, it didn't really bother him. He'd spent a lot of time around Oshitari and Mukahi, who were most certainly gay; and it hadn't bothered him at all, even though he knew it should. They were just...right for each other, so he didn't bother to try and think of it as wrong.
When he sat in confession, and was about to say "I've been having impure thoughts about a man..." he couldn't say it, because it was too embarrassing, too bad, but why was it bad?
No one had ever told him why it was bad. No one had ever told him why two men shouldn't have feelings for each other.
No one had ever told him how hard it would be if he developed forbidden feelings.
They just told him what not to do...
"You're going to be living with that boy?!"
"We're just going to share a dorm at the high school..."
"It's not like anything is going on, Father! It's just...he's my best friend, and we haven't seen much of each other over the past year because he's been at high school, and...It will be nice to see each other again." Ohtori realized he was blushing. That was not a good thing. His father was already suspicious, pretty soon he was going to notice that his suspicions were coming true. Ohtori was looking forward to seeing Shishido-san again, almost too much, really.
"I don't like it."
That was his mother, this time.
"You're not one of them, are you?" she asked.
"No, I'm not!" Ohtori protested. His parents really had very little faith in him...The only problem was that he didn't really believe it himself. What if he was...?
"Because if you are, you're going straight to Hell."
Ohtori felt as though he had become about two feet tall. "Mother, Father...please..."
"We're only concerned about you," his mother said.
"I know, but...It's perfectly safe. Don't worry about it." He himself wasn't even sure how safe it was. Living with Shishido-san was going to be torture -- how would he keep from having those dreams, when he was with him all the time?
He already knew that he was a sinner. He already knew that he was one of them as his mother so "delicately" put it, and it was going to be hard to keep on denying it...
But the only thing he really wanted right now was to be able see his Shishido-san every day.
He had seen Shishido every day. It was pure bliss, really; horrible, horrible bliss. Every morning he woke up, rolled over, and could see Shishido in his own bed, sleeping peacefully. How beautiful his face was when he was asleep!
He had nowhere else to go, really. His parents' house was too far, that was why he was living in the dorms in the first place. He had no choice, really, but to go back to his dorm, because it was getting dark, and quite cold.
Shishido's back was to him as he entered.
"Shishido-san...I'm sorry," he said.
"You don't need to be sorry. It's not your fault."
"But I am sorry," Ohtori said. "Because...because..." His knees felt weak. He didn't know what was what anymore. How could he ignore these feelings? They were too strong. He wanted so badly to be able to say "I love you!" and throw himself at the person he'd been in love with for almost two years, but he couldn't, because it was wrong! His parents would be against it, his church would be against it, God might even be against it! He wished he could ask God personally.
What should I do? If I really love someone, isn't it right to be with them? But God didn't answer him. There would be no divine intervention.
Ohtori wondered if Hell was really on Earth.
"Choutarou, are you crying?"
Ohtori hadn't even noticed that Shishido was facing him, now. He hadn't seen him turn around. He'd been looking inside himself at the empty void where his heart had once been.
He realized that he was crying, and reached up to wipe the tears away.
"Why are you crying?"
Ohtori couldn't stand up anymore. His legs folded under him, and he sank to the floor. He couldn't even make it to his bed. He put his face in his hands, and tried to hide the tears, tried to make them stop, but he couldn't.
Shishido was at his side. There were gentle hands on his shoulders.
"I didn't want to refuse you! I didn't, but...we can't..."
"Why can't we?" Shishido asked, softly.
"Becuase it's wrong."
"The world. My parents..." Ohtori hiccupped. "Even God is against it."
"This God of yours...I don't really like him," Shishido said, rather bitterly. A little gasping noise erupted from Ohtori's throat.
"Don't say things like that..."
"Well, I don't believe in him, even if you do. I'm not going to tell you to give up your beliefs, but...That just seems unfair. What kind of God would be such a big bastard?" Shishido growled. "What kind of God would make someone like you cry?"
Ohtori shook his head. He couldn't stand it when people insulted his religion. He was very, very serious about it. Serious enough that if he thought that being in love with Shishido was against the rules, he would let his heart shatter to pieces...
"Really, if God loved all humans equally, then would he care who loved who? I don't think so. Then again, I don't believe in him, so what does my opinion matter? Just...stop crying, damn it. I hate to see you cry."
Shishido's gentle fingers wiped the tears away. Ohtori's breath caught in his throat. He wanted...he wanted to believe what Shishido had just said, but...how could he, when everyone else had told him that it was wrong?
"Get some sleep. Practice starts early," Shishido said. He crossed the room once more, leaving Ohtori to himself.
What should I do? What can I do?
There didn't seem to be any options open. It took Ohtori a long time to fall asleep that night.
"Because if you are, you're going straight to Hell."
Ohtori Choutarou did not want to go to Hell.
He started crying, little mewling sobs.
"I am though, I am, I can't help it, what should I do...?"
He'd tried to like girls, he really had. For an entire year, he'd tried to like girls. But none of those girls was Shishido-- who he'd missed terribly...
Ohtori became aware of someone shaking him.
"Sh...Shishido-san?" Ohtori blinked at him. "What...?"
"You were crying again. In your sleep, this time."
"I...I was having a nightmare," Ohtori whispered. "I...I don't want to be a sinner, I've been a good person all this time..."
Shishido couldn't stand the look in Ohtori's eyes. "Of course you're a good person, damn it! Much better than anyone else in this goddamn world. You're too good for me, even, so it's a good thing that you don't want me, but -- Damn it, you shouldn't have to sacrifice everything..." Shishido closed his mouth fast. He really wasn't the wordy type. He hated sap. He hated to have his feelings out in the open, but he couldn't help it where Ohtori was concerned.
And Ohtori's big brown eyes were staring at him with such an expression...it made him want to break down and cry.
Why couldn't they be together, just because some deity that random people believed in said they couldn't?? It wasn't fair, it really wasn't, but he couldn't try to force Ohtori to stop believing in it, because his religion was just one of the things that made him who he was.
It wasn't fair, but that was just the way life was.
"I d-don't want to go to H-hell, but..." Ohtori couldn't stop sobbing. He couldn't stop feeling. "But I love you..."
Love. Love was such a strong word, and hearing it from Ohtori's lips made Shishido feel...happy, sad, guilty. Mostly guilty. He didn't deserve Ohtori Choutarou's love, but he wanted it so badly.
"Y'know, I love you too," Shishido said, slowly, "But I'm not going to tell you what to believe. I mean, I want to, and if it was anyone else I would, but since it's you, I won't." Ah, he hated trying to put that kind of thought into words. He hated to have to put that kind of thought into words...
"I...I could even risk Hell for you, Shishido-san, but my parents...if they ever found out that I..." Ohtori stared miserably at his hands.
"I can't tell you what to do," Shishido said. He paused. "Well I can, but I can't make you do it."
Ohtori couldn't help but laugh. It bordered on hysterical.
"I have to...I have to think this over," Ohtori said.
"You can think as long as you want. I'll be waiting. You know where to find me."
Ohtori shivered as Shishido's fingers brushed through his hair. He knew that Shishido really meant what he was saying, and oh, he wanted...he wanted...
"Thank you." He leaned forward, and put his arms around the still-shorter boy; the one that he loved so much. They stayed that way for a long time.
A week later, Ohtori went home for the school holiday. He'd already made up his mind what he was going to do.
The only problem was that he wasn't sure he had the courage.
He faced his parents at the dinner table, where they tended to interrogate him; opened his mouth to speak, and...
"How has school been?" his mother asked, before he could squeeze the words out.
"Fine," he replied.
"Are you adjusting to high school?"
"It's fine, it's not much different. A little more homework, but I can handle it."
"Exams are coming up, have you been studying?"
His parents blinked at him.
"I know you've suspected it all along, and you've warned me not to, but I can't help it because I am and there's nothing I can do about it, I know, because I've tried."
His parents exchanged glances.
"It's that boy. He's done something to your mind," his mother said, rather disgustedly.
"What...? You think this is Shishido-san's fault...?"
"You were perfectly normal before you met him."
Ohtori couldn't stand it anymore. "What do you mean, normal? What's so wrong about falling in love?"
"You're fifteen years old," his father said coolly. "You know nothing about love."
"Why don't I?" Ohtori demanded. "I love Shishido-san with all my heart." There. He'd said it. There was no denying it any longer.
"I knew it was that boy!" his mother exclaimed.
"From now on, you'll stay away from him," his father said, darkly.
"No, I won't! It's not his fault that I..." Ohtori's head felt as though it were about to explode. "I'll never stop believing in God, and if I'm going to Hell for this, then I guess I'm going to Hell, if that's the proper punishment...But I'll keep on believing that God loves everyone, no matter what. That's what you taught me."
Ohtori stood. "I'm going to my room."
He knew his parents were going to try and change his mind. They would probably make his life a living nightmare, now. He only hoped that somehow he would be able to make them leave Shishido out of it.
Ohtori entered the dorm he shared with his Shishido-san. "I'm home," he said.
"How was your holiday?"
Ohtori made a face. "Rotten. But it's over now."
"Why, what happened?"
"I...I told my parents the truth," Ohtori said. He couldn't meet Shishido's eyes. "I told them that I'm...that I'm gay, and...I can't deny it anymore."
"What did they say?"
"Well, they yelled and screamed at me for most of the time, but it's not like any amount of yelling is going to change how I feel."
That miserable look was on his face again. Shishido really could not stand that look.
"Are you sure that's how you want it to be?" he asked.
"I don't want to pretend anymore," Ohtori said. He finally looked up. "Can I ask you a favor?"
"Anything." Ohtori rarely asked for favors.
"Would you...would you kiss me again?" he was blushing. "Then I'll know for sure..."
Shishido was only too happy to comply.
Ohtori knew he'd made the right decision, he could feel it in that kiss. No matter how much trouble his parents, or the world, gave him, he knew that this was right.
And somewhere in his heart, he knew that God wasn't angry with him; because God wanted him to be happy...and he was so happy.
As long as he could be with Shishido, he would always be happy.
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